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May 14

Sigei

humour /

Letter to My Future Wife

I am pretty sure we haven’t met yet, have we? [if we have , GOD forbid], this is your faithful, honest husband impatiently waiting for you. As I prepare to welcome you into my humble abode, there are some ground rules I would wish to establish. Just as our country is governed by the constitution, I think it is imperative that we as a family have one too. I would have wished to involve you in the drafting of this constitution but since you are absent without apology[I wash my hands from guilt], you will just have to trust my decision, after all, I will pay for your dowry[handsomely of course] and also I get a pass as the Alpacino of the family. So here are the ground rules/commandments/laws [whichever you prefer].

  1. Football team: The official football team to support will be Arsenal. I can’t insist this enough, having been an Arsenal fan for as long as I can remember, I would like this culture to be cultivated and passed on to our children. One of our daughters will likely be named Larsene (hope you see what i did there).When I'm watching an Arsenal game there should be no disruptions [unless it’s an emergency] and I expect you beside me cheering on. After Arsenal you can support any other team so long as it is not Manchester United or Tottenham hot spurs. Aside from the normal holidays, there is one additional hiliday we will truly cherish and that is St Totteringham Day.We can vary in religion but not in football.
  2. Fittness: Concerning fitness, you need not worry, i go to the gym as often as i can,working my ass off to get those much publicized abs . I would also expect you to do the same on your side. Although , if my dreams are anything to go by, you are perfect the way you are.
  3. Marriage bill: You have no idea what an awesome hubby you will land yourself [not to pat myself on the back], I say this not out of flattery but sincerity. In fact my male counterparts label me a traitor for not supporting this bill. Anyway you need not worry because I want to assure you that I don’t intend on marrying a second wife nor the third, you will be my first and last[by the way, one thing about me is that my word is my bond].
  4. Me and my boys: Me and my boys are a pack, be sure that they vetted you and in one way or the other influenced my decision in trying out my luck with you. So, on that note I will be hanging out with them as many times as I can in a week, they are out of bounce from your criticism or reach. I too will not interfere with your girlfriends unless I am required to do my wing-man duties and in that case I might ask you a favor or two [hooking them up with one of your girlfriends]. That is the only way I might poke into your girlfriends issues. If at all you feel like my mboyz are snatching me away so much, I don’t mind if you make a curfew for me, so long as it is reasonable [once again, family is important to me]
  5. My mother: knowing how mother in laws are monsters [not excluding mine], I would like to inform to prepare yourself for her test/ examination. Apparently my mum has a way of knowing a good/bad wife. So be well prepared to pass her test. My guess is as good as yours though I think cooking skills will be present in the test.
  6. Kids: I am sure you know the plural of kid is kids; therefore I should not mince words. We will have more one kid [the exact number we can agree on]. I entrust that you are well versed with the art of discipline. By discipline I mean the African way- belts, slippers, bamboo (feel free to add more weapons). My kids will not be “grounded” like the wazungus but rather their bosoms will feel the heat for any crime committed. Suppose our adorable kids one day ask us how we met, we should discuss and come up with a nice romantic flick to tell them .

More to follow on my next chronicle, I would also appreciate it if you would also do the same and give me the heads up on your life or reply to this letter……………………………………..

See you soon

Best regards- your future husband

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