A letter to my girlfriend ahead of the premier leaugue
Hi honey, I am sure you are doing fine[because you were when I left in the morning]. The reason behind this, is because I have exactly three weeks and two days to prepare for the Premier league. I am sure you have been wondering why I have been extra good this couple of weeks, well PREMIER LEAGUE is the answer. Consider it payment in advance. As from August 12th 2017 I will be switching from “boy-friend mode” to “premier league mode” (trust me, these are entirely two different people). Since it will be your first time watching me under that environment, I have taken the liberty to outline some crucial key points and rules to adhere to. This will mostly affect the weekends and sometimes weekdays
1. First and foremost - during the Premier leaugue matches I relinquish my boyfriend duties temporarily. I will not be able to wipe your tears because I myself will need someone to comfort me (there might be some tantrums). Whenever you need someone to talk to I will refer you to a therapist friend of mine. I hope you will not make me choose between sex and premier leaugue (some have tried it and have been disappointed). All my attention will be focused on the premier leaugue. I also expect you to be well conversed with football language and news if at all you decide to watch with me so that you can join in the conversations. It would also be in your best interest to ask me questions now because when EPL starts I will be mute and deaf.
2. The most crucial element is the TV. I therefore declare you “a persona non grata” in the TV section (your amazing figure should never block the TV but rather crawl under it) unless you want to watch world cup with me. In simple terms the TV and anything affiliated to it (be it the remote or the Ariel) is mine. No more soaps or news ONLY EPL……….
3. In the spirit of minimizing movements during EPL I expect the fridge to be fully packed. I will also write you a list of other necessaries (like vuvuzelas). Concerning your girlfriends, I would recommend that you abandon them temporarily or tell them to exclude us from any gatherings or related events because I assure you I will not attend.
4. All this does not mean that we will not be talking during weekends; we have breaks and commercials for that. You just have to adapt to the little time I will be available. Whenever my team has lost you are to encourage me, however childish I will react or act. .
5. I also expect to be to be replaced from your speed dial momentarily. In case of an emergency I suggest you call 911 or G4S or AA or my therapist friend. Basically I will be a zombie so accept my sincerest apologies in advance. More to follow as the big day nears……………..
I look forward to your positive cooperation
Best regards -me