A LETTER TO MY GIRLFRIEND AHEAD OF THE WORLD CUP
Hi honey, I am sure you are doing fine[because you were when I left in the morning]. The reason behind this, is because I have exactly twelve days to prepare for the World cup in all its glory. I am sure you have been wondering why I have been extra good this couple of months(Love and hip hop, love island, all the soap operas), well WORLD CUP is the answer. Consider it payment in advance. As from June14th 2018 I will be switching from “boy-friend mode” to “world cup mode” (trust me, these are entirely two different people). Since it will be your first time watching me under that environment, I have taken the liberty to outline some crucial key points and rules to adhere to.
1. First and foremost - during the World Cup matches I relinquish my boyfriend duties temporarily. I will not be able to wipe your tears because I myself will need someone to comfort me (there might be some tantrums). Whenever you need someone to talk to I will refer you to a therapist friend of mine. I hope you will not make me choose between sex and World Cup (some have tried it and have been disappointed). All my attention will be focused on the World Cup. I also expect you to be well conversed with football language and news if at all you decide to watch with me so that you can join in the conversations or minimize stupid question like why is Salah playing for Egypt and not Liverpool. It would also be in your best interest to ask me questions now before the contest begins.
2. The most crucial element is the TV. I therefore declare you “a persona non grata” in the TV section (your amazing figure should never block the TV but rather crawl under it) unless you want to watch world cup with me. In simple terms the TV and anything affiliated to it (be it the remote or the Ariel) is mine. No more soaps or news ONLY World cup……….
3. Should you decide top watch the world cup with me it is imperative that you know the countries we should support. All African countries are to be cheered to the end. After that you can choose any other team apart from Argentina.
4. In the spirit of minimizing movements during the World Cup I expect the fridge to be fully packed. I will also write you a list of other necessaries (like vuvuzelas). Concerning your girlfriends, I would recommend that you abandon them temporarily or tell them to exclude us from any gatherings or related events because I assure you I will not attend.
5. All this does not mean that we will not be talking,we have breaks and commercials for that. You just have to adapt to the little time I will be available. Whenever my team has lost you are to encourage me, however childish I will react or act. .
6. I also expect to be to be replaced from your speed dial momentarily. In case of an emergency I suggest you call 911 or G4S or AA or my therapist friend. Basically I will be a zombie so accept my sincerest apologies in advance. More rules to follow as the big day nears……………..
I look forward to your positive cooperation
Best regards -me